Menu
In a world where stress and accumulated tension have us all on the brink of a nervous breakdown, it’s no wonder that massage therapists are our go-to saviors. But what happens when, instead of rejuvenating us, they completely destroy us?
In this article, we’ll explore some of the most common bad practices of massage therapists across various types of massages—all with a humorous twist—so that even if you’re being “killed,” at least you’ll die laughing.
If you’ve ever visited a spa, you’ve likely heard of the Swedish massage. Yes, the one that promises to be gentle and relaxing, perfect for relieving tension. What they don’t tell you is that it’s actually a Viking torture technique disguised as therapy.
Some massage therapists, mistaking their hands for war hammers, apply so much force they could break rocks. Instead of feeling like you’re floating on clouds, you twist in pain as your muscles scream for mercy. Next time you go to a spa, be cautious—you might walk out with more knots than you had going in.
When they tell you that Thai massage is a combination of yoga and massage, you might imagine something gentle and soothing. But, dear reader, don’t be fooled—Thai massage is the art of bending you like a pretzel while they crush you with their full body weight.
Inexperienced therapists can turn this technique into a dangerous practice, forcing you into impossible angles and causing more injuries than relief. If you don’t fancy yourself as an aspiring contortionist, you might want to think twice before subjecting yourself to this therapy.
Unless, of course, you’ve always wanted to know what it feels like to be one of those rubbery figurines twisted in every direction.
Hot stone massage is a therapy that promises a unique and unforgettable experience. While it can indeed be very relaxing, it also has its dark side. In fact, if you’re not careful, you could end up feeling like a steak on the grill. Therapists who haven’t mastered the technique might forget to control the temperature of the stones, leaving them so hot they burn your skin.
So, if during your session you start feeling like you’re being slow-cooked, don’t hesitate to speak up—unless you want to end up smelling like barbecue.
Shiatsu is a Japanese massage that relies on pressing specific points of the body to improve energy flow and relieve tension. But when you fall into the hands of an inexperienced therapist, this therapy can feel like ninja footwork training.
Instead of gently pressing the key points, some therapists seem to want to pierce through your body with their fingers, as if they were trying to drill a hole through you.
If at any point you feel like you’re being used as a giant acupuncture mat, don’t hesitate to kindly remind them that you’re not a tatami.
Have you ever thought your feet deserve a break? Then you might have considered trying reflexology, a technique that involves massaging and pressing specific points on the feet to relieve ailments in other parts of the body. But beware—you could end up with a therapist who, instead of pampering your feet, attacks them as if they were the enemy.
Extreme pressure, painful stretches, and abrupt movements can turn a reflexology session into a nightmare for your poor feet. If, by the end of the massage, your feet feel more like running away than resting, you’ve probably been a victim of bad practice.
Sports massage is perfect for those looking to relieve tension accumulated from exercise and improve performance. However, some therapists seem to think it’s a competition to see who can withstand the most pain.
Instead of treating your muscles with care and helping you recover, these therapists subject you to a torture session, stretching, pounding, and battering your body as if they were trying to knock you out. If, by the end of the massage, you feel like you’ve been through a boxing match rather than a relaxing therapy, you might want to reconsider your options.
Cupping therapy is an ancient technique that uses small glass or silicone cups to create suction on the skin and improve blood circulation. However, in inexperienced hands, this therapy can make you feel like you’re being abducted by aliens.
Some therapists may leave the cups on too long in one spot, resulting in circular marks on your body that resemble crop circles left by extraterrestrial visitors. If after a cupping session people start asking if you’ve had a close encounter of the third kind, it might be time to find a more experienced therapist.
Now that you’re aware of the most common bad practices of massage therapists across various types of massages, you can stay alert and ensure your experience is pleasurable rather than torturous.
But remember, even if your masseuse is “killing” you, at least you’ll have a hilarious story to share with your friends, making them laugh while you recount your survival anecdotes.
Feel all your tension and stress melt away under gentle, soothing movements. Experience peace, relaxation, and well-being like never before.
15% Resident discount
With our Deep Tissue Massage, you can forget about knots and tension. We tailor our services to ensure your maximum comfort and well-being.
15% Resident discount
Combat cellulite and improve the texture of your skin on your legs, glutes, and abdomen. This massage stimulates circulation and enhances your beauty.
15% Resident discount
Revitalize your body and mind. This effective treatment improves circulation, releases toxins, and leaves you feeling lighter and full of energy.
15% Resident discount
Privacy Policy
Cookie Policy